Sexual consent is an active agreement where people can freely and voluntarily give permission for a sexual activity. Consent lets someone know that sex (or particular sexual acts) is wanted. Consent needs to be given without the influence of anything or anybody. Consent cannot be given by folks who are underage, intoxicated or incapacitated by drugs or alcohol, intimidated, threatened, asleep, or unconscious. Sexual activity without consent is rape or sexual assault. Consent is also important because it shows the person/people you’re with that you or they are happy and comfortable with what’s going on. Consent needs to be an active, continuous process because our desires, choices, and comfort level for things can change.
Sexual consent is part of a set of skills everyone can learn to have fun, pleasurable and safer sex. It forms a foundation of trust and respect and keeps communication flowing. It is up to everyone to actively participate in and seek consent. This ensures healthy and respectful sexual connections that uphold boundaries and invites the free expression of desires. Sexual consent is an important part of all sexual encounters regardless of the length of the relationship.
Sometimes there may be mixed messages or uncertainty about what people are up for and what’s not ok. On the one hand, we can embrace our sexual freedom and curiosity but in reality, many of us have experienced an unwanted or unpleasant experience with someone in the past, and maybe wish we could set better boundaries when we meet someone new. Consent serves to set up an agreement about what each of you like and don’t like. It isn’t just about saying yes or no. It’s about everyone involved in the agreement being on the same page.
Know Yourself
It might sound obvious but a satisfying sexual life begins by knowing what you want. This might take you some time to work out especially if this is new for you. You can start by asking yourself ‘what am I looking for sexually?’. What kinds of sexual activity are you interested in and what things would be a definite ‘no’ for you? You could even make a list of things you’d like to try and, you can try some things on your own first to see how things feel. When it comes to interactions with others you might get to the space and realise you don’t want to do something. It’s always ok to say no, even if things are already started. When these things are clear in your own mind it’s easier to be clear when you’re with someone else.
Then ask yourself what you are looking for? Are you looking for a long-term partner, or prefer staying single and playing the field? If you’re looking for a partner, do you want to be monogamous or more open? Are you looking for someone to learn from or who’s interested in a certain type of play?
Check Your Assumptions
A common experience in gay and bi+ men’s sex settings is that someone will keep doing whatever they want until the other person tells them to stop. The assumption is that all touch or action is on the table unless it’s explicitly taken off the table. So, it’s down to each of us to set out our own boundaries and communicate them to our partners. Sometimes, this can be hard to do when we’re already caught up in the action. We can overcome this by having a wider and more explicit talk with a future partner before first hooking up.
Talk About Sex
When you start chatting, be prepared to talk about the kind of sex you want and the safer sex methods you want to use. This kind of conversation can be playful and fun. It can totally be foreplay too! By checking in beforehand where your interests are mutual, you can focus on what’s hot for each of you and avoid the potential for hurt or offense when you get together. Talking about sex openly beforehand can help you to feel confident about your limits, which means you can be more in the moment when you meet.
Be honest about how you’re feeling if something is new for you. For example: ‘I want to try bondage, I’ve never done it before though so I’m a bit nervous, can we take it slow?’ This might feel scary, but be rest assured, you will have a much sexier and safer time if you take the plunge after letting your sexual partner know. If you’re the one receiving this information, ensure you create a safe place for them by letting them tell you how they're feeling, workshopping how they want the sexual experience to unfold, and what they may like to try! This conversation can happen just before sex verbally, or through sexting days in advance. Give them space to be vulnerable when they share their thoughts and desires in a way that empowers and encourages them, even if you don't want to do some of the things they have asked (that’s okay too!). This can support sexual freedom and can strengthen bonds. Keep in mind that when someone is sharing something that makes them feel vulnerable, you’re in an honourable position. Respond with care, your response can have a significant impact. Don’t yuck someone else’s yum!
Talk About Your Sexual Health
When talking about the kind of sex you want, make sure to include what kinds of safer sex methods you want to use. It’s important to take control of your sexual health and be confident about your chosen protection (including condoms, PrEP, U=U, what sex you’re having, etc.). It’s empowering, sexy and normalises the conversation. Talking about consent with your sexual partners also includes an agreement about how you’re going to protect your sexual health. For example, if you consent to sex with a condom, and your sexual partner removes the condom without your permission – that also removes consent. This is something called stealthing, which is sexual assault.
Getting tested regularly is part of an active sex life. Knowing and being confident about your STI/HIV status is empowering, and can encourage someone else to find out theirs. The stigma that surrounds STIs and HIV affects everyone, and we can overcome this by simply having a chat about it.
Being OK With "No"
Sometimes, you want to say ‘no’ but don’t have the guts to say it. Sometimes, someone will say ‘no’ to you and it hurts. One of the big lessons from the BDSM world is that any feedback or limits that someone tells you about is good to know, even if it’s a ‘No’. So, if someone says they don’t want to continue with sex right now – that’s a good thing. They are looking after themselves, even if it’s disappointing for you. If someone knocks you back when you approach them – that’s ok, it means they’re not for you.
Give some thought to how you feel about saying ‘no’. Maybe practice saying ‘no’ with friends to become more comfortable with it. Practice ways of saying no nicely. “Thanks for the messages, but not for me right now. Have a good weekend.” And “I’m not feeling up for that right now, maybe another time.” Or “That’s not really my thing, what else are you into?”
Remember if someone won’t take ‘no’ for an answer, be firm and don’t give in. Block, report, get out of there. If you’re online, there’s information about how to keep yourself safe here: Online Safety - Meridian
Aftercare
Aftercare is the time people spend caring for each other after sexual activities. Aftercare can be a beautiful exchange of emotional or physical actions that strengthen relationships and support sexual and emotional safety. It commonly involves cuddling, talking, sensual touching, showering together, hanging out and watching a movie. It can be fun to chat about how the experience went. What did you enjoy and what might you do differently if you met again? It’s a nice way to decompress after a sexual experience, and this will look different to everyone. Aftercare doesn’t always need to be long, it can also include offering your contact details to someone for contact tracing if any STIs are around. It’s also important to think about what aftercare you can provide for yourself after sex, things like snacks, water, a shower, and a sleep are all great options. It needs to come from a place of genuine care and respect, and if you can get into that space, you won't go wrong!
Seek Support
If you struggle with asking for what you want, forming the relationships you want, or with negotiating your boundaries, you might consider speaking with a professional to work on these aspects of yourself. There are also loads of resources available to explore these topics online, in podcasts and books.
Two great places to start are these YouTube Videos: