Consent

Everyone is responsible for actively participating in and seeking consent in every sexual experience. This ensures healthy and respectful sexual connections that uphold boundaries and invites the free expression of desires.

Sexual consent is part of a set of skills everyone can learn to have fun, pleasurable and safer sex. It is an important part of all sexual encounters, regardless of the length of the relationship, as it forms a foundation of trust and respect and keeps communication flowing.

In the ACT, we have an affirmative consent law. This means that consent must be communicated by saying or doing something. You cannot assume consent based on your partner not saying 'no'.

Consent must be communicated clearly and continuously throughout your sexual encounter. To be clear about consent in an ongoing way, you can ask questions or communicate things like:

• 'Do you want to [insert specific action here]?'
• 'How does this feel?'
• 'Are you enjoying this?'
• 'That feels good.'
• 'I’m comfortable with this.'

There are different consent laws around Australia and globally. Practising affirmative consent is a clear way to communicate consent regardless of the law.

It might sound obvious, but a satisfying sexual life begins by knowing what you want. This might take you some time to work out, especially if this is new for you or if you’ve had an unwanted or unpleasant experience in the past. You can start by asking yourself:

• What am I looking for sexually?
• What kinds of sexual activity am I interested in?
• What things would be a definite 'no' for me?

You could even make a list of things you’d like to experience and try some on your own first to see how things feel.

Then ask yourself what you are looking for with other people:

• long-term, short-term, casual or a hook up
• a relationship
• monogamy or non-monogamy/polyamory
• specific experiences
• someone to learn from or who’s interested in a certain type of play.

Considering this in advance can prepare you for a conversation or negotiation about boundaries and expectations with a potential sexual or relationship partner. When these things are clear in your own mind, it can be easier to be clear when you’re with someone else.

You can also get professional support to help you learn how to ask for what you want, form the relationships you want or negotiate your boundaries. Depending on your needs, this could include counsellors, psychologists, sex therapists or your GP.

When it comes to interactions with others, you might get to the space and realise you don’t want to do something. It’s always okay to say 'no' at any time, even if things are already started. Even if you feel like you lack confidence or clarity in communicating consent and boundaries, no one has the right to violate your consent.

Consent must be specific and never assumed, even if sex is already happening.

People commonly experience or see situations that violate consent based on assumptions, such as someone:

• doing what they want until the other person tells them 'no'
• ignoring the other person’s 'no'
• thinking that consenting to one sexual act means consenting to everything.

These scenarios are often presented in media (such as television, movies, and pornography) and are often romanticised and gendered.

You may hold unconscious beliefs regarding consent and sex that you’ve picked up throughout your life. Try to notice these and remind yourself that consent must be affirmative.

Note: There are also some situations where there are different assumptions or protocols regarding consent, such as in some gay and bi+ men’s sex settings and kink/BDSM. It’s important to be aware of the protocols of such spaces before engaging in sexual activity within them.

Clearly communicating consent avoids assumptions being made.

When you start chatting with a potential sexual connection, be prepared to talk about the kind of sex you want and the safer sex tools you want to use. This kind of conversation can be playful and fun. It can totally be foreplay too!

Talking about sex openly beforehand and learning your mutual interests can help you to feel confident about your limits, which means you can be more in the moment when sex happens. It can also avoid the potential for hurt or offense caused by new information shared in the moment, noting that consent can be withdrawn at any point, including during sex.

Be honest about how you’re feeling if something is new for you. For example: 'I want to try bondage. I’ve never done it before though so I’m a bit nervous, can we take it slow?'

This might feel scary but rest assured: you will have a much sexier and safer time if you let your sexual partner know beforehand.

If you’re the one receiving this information, ensure you create a safe place for them by letting them tell you how they're feeling, workshopping how they want the sexual experience to unfold and what they may like to try. This conversation can happen just before sex verbally or through conversations offline or online (like sexting) days in advance. Give them space to be vulnerable when they share their thoughts and desires in a way that empowers and encourages them, even if you don't want to do some of the things they have asked (that’s okay too!).

This can support sexual freedom and strengthen bonds. Keep in mind that when someone is sharing something that makes them feel vulnerable, you’re in an honoured position. Respond with care: your response can have a significant impact. You can say 'that’s not for me' without making them feel less-than for their desires. In other words, don’t yuck someone else’s yum!

When talking about the kind of sex you want, make sure to include what kinds of safer sex strategies you use, or want to use during sex.

It’s important to take control of your sexual health and be confident about your chosen sexual health strategies (including barrier methods like condoms, PrEP, U=U and what kind of sex you’re having). It’s empowering, sexy and normalises the conversation.

Consenting to sex includes agreeing on how you’re going to protect your sexual health. For example, if you consent to sex with a condom and your sexual partner removes the condom without your permission, that is a violation of your consent. This is called stealthing and is a form of sexual assault.

Getting tested for STIs regularly is part of an active sex life. Knowing and being confident about your STI/HIV status is empowering and can encourage someone else to find out theirs. The stigma that surrounds STIs and HIV affects everyone and we can help to overcome this by simply having a chat about it.

Anyone can say 'no' or 'stop' at any time to withdraw consent. This can happen before sex begins or during sex.

'No' is a complete sentence. You don’t need to give a reason why.

In the ACT, consent must be communicated clearly and continuously. This means that you can’t assume someone consents just because they aren’t actively saying ‘no’.

'No' can sound like:

• 'I’m too tired.'
• 'Not right now.'
• 'Can we stop for a bit?'
• 'I’m not sure.'
• 'This doesn’t feel right.'

Through body language, it can look like:

• going quiet or becoming less responsive
• tensing up, freezing or pulling away
• avoiding eye contact
• pushing hands away or repositioning their body
• crying or appearing distressed.

Give some thought to how you feel about saying 'no'.

Practising saying 'no' in non-sexual settings can help to become more comfortable with being clear about your boundaries, such as by saying:

• 'Thanks for the messages, but not for me right now. Have a good weekend.'
• 'I’m not feeling up for that right now, maybe another time.'
• 'That’s not really my thing. What else are you into?'

Knowing how to receive a 'no', whether direct or implied, is just as important as communicating consent in the first place. Practising consent means listening closely and responding with care. That can look like:

• pausing when your partner hesitates or goes quiet
• adjusting or stopping immediately if they say 'no', express uncertainty or seem uncomfortable
• acknowledging their response with respect.
• checking in with your partner if you’re unsure how they’re feeling

Simple responses like, 'Thanks for telling me,' or 'Let’s stop for now,' show that you are taking their boundaries seriously.

Sometimes, someone will say 'no' to you and it can hurt. One of the big lessons from the BDSM world is that any feedback or limits someone shares is good to know, even if it’s a 'no'. If someone says they do not want to go ahead or continue with sex, that’s a good thing! They are looking after themselves. If someone says 'no' when you approach them, that’s okay too. It simply means they are not for you.

Remember, if someone will not take 'no' or uncertainty for an answer, this is sexual violence. You do not have to tolerate it, explain yourself, or stay. If you are experiencing, or have experienced, sexual violence, support is available. You can get help.

Aftercare is the time people spend caring for each other after sexual activities. It can be an exchange of emotional or physical actions that strengthen relationships and support sexual and emotional safety, regardless of the type of relationship you have with that person/those people. Aftercare commonly involves cuddling, talking, sensual touching, showering together, hanging out and watching a movie. It can be fun to chat about how the experience went: what you enjoyed and what might you do differently if you meet again. It can also include offering your contact details to someone for contact tracing if any STIs are around. 

In general, aftercare is a nice way to decompress after a sexual experience and this will look different to everyone. It doesn’t always need to be long.

It’s also important to think about what aftercare you can provide for yourself after sex: things like snacks, water, a shower and sleep are all great options. It needs to come from a place of genuine care and respect, so if you can get into that mindset, you won't go wrong!

If you are experiencing, or have experienced, sexual violence, support is available.

In an emergency, call 000.

Check out our list of crisis contacts and the ACT Government Get Help Now page to find the right service for you.

Some key emergency resources are:

• Canberra Rape Crisis Service: Crisis and counselling telephone support service.
  • Open: 7am to 11pm, every day except public holidays |
  • Phone: 02 6247 2525 | Website: crcc.org.au
• 1800RESPECT Helpline: Information and support for anyone in Australia experiencing DFV or sexual assault. The website has an LGBTIQ specific information section.
  • Open: 24/7 |
  • Phone: 1800 737 732 | Website: 1800respect.org.au
• NSW Sexual Violence Helpline: For anyone in NSW impacted by sexual assault (including friends, families and supporters).
  • Open: 24/7 |
  • Phone: 1800 424 017
• Rainbow Sexual, Domestic and Family Violence Helpline: For anyone from the LGBTIQ+ community whose life has been impacted by sexual domestic and/or family violence.
  • Open: 24/7 |
  • Phone: 1800 497 212 | Website: fullstop.org.au/get-help/our-services/rainbowviolenceandabusesupport

There are also loads of resources available to explore these topics online, in podcasts and books. Two great places to start are these videos:

You can also check out:

• Affirmative consent - ACT Government
• Consent – Canberra Rape Crisis Centre
• Introduction to Sexual Consent (Easy English and Plain Language) - SECCA
• Affirmative Consent Laws (Easy Read) – ACT Government